We need to talk. I know it has only been a few hours since I sat down and had a time of prayer, but I can’t help but think you didn’t hear me. Why? I assume this, not because I think you don’t listen, but because of what and how I prayed. I was in a rush, and didn’t really approach you with the reverence and awe that I should feel. I just…talked. Not only this, but I lied in my prayer and said things I don’t believe. We need to talk because I need to point out the lies I told you in my last prayer. I just want to be honest even if it hurts your feelings. Let’s see…where do I begin?
First, I called you sovereign. Meaning, I implied that you are the ruler of my life. That was a big lie, because of the way I often live. I seem to rely on my own resources, ideas, and sufficiency to get me through the day, and I only seem to pray when I need something or I feel guilty. So, to claim you are my king is quite the overstatement.
Next, I told you I was grateful for all you have provided. The fact is, I am not really that grateful. I say that sometimes in hopes that you will “expand my territory” and fatten my bank account because of my perceived humilty. Truthfully, I want more, but I know if I say that out loud you will put me in humbling situations, so spiritually I try to lay low and avoid risks to stay under the radar. Overall, in this area, I really want a comfortable cushion of stuff and influence so I don’t have to worry about my future.
Also, I included those who are broken in my prayer, and really I didn’t care. In the back of my mind, I really just wanted you to fix my problems. This is where I rushed things. I skipped through this part, because there were other things I thought were more important that had to do with my needs. I included that other hurting person in the first place so I didn’t sound so selfish. If I were to be honest, I would tell you that I really just want you to stop my pain. I don’t want to go through suffering or anything difficult. I don’t want to be an example to others. I just don’t want to hurt.
Finally, the biggest lie I told was at the end of my last prayer. I told you that I wanted your will to be done in my life. I really don’t. I mean, I do, but as long as it fits in with my plans. It just feels better when things work out in my timing, and in my way.
You see, I have been learning more about this concept of “belief”. This is why I am writing. I have found out that I can cognitively agree with a concept, but if I do not live it then I don’t complete the cycle of belief…so it is as if I don’t believe it at all. In my mind, I believe all of these good things listed, but for some reason my life does not always reflect these concepts.
I guess I, now, understand the story in Mark chapter 9 when you cast an impure spirit out of the little boy. The boy’s father wondered if you could do it and you told him that anything is possible to those who believe. Then this man said something confusing. He said, “I believe; help me in my unbelief.” My first thought when reading this was, “you either believe or you don’t; pick one dude!” I get it now. I can agree in my mind, but if I am not talking, walking, and acting as if it is true than I have not fully believed it. Certainly, I know doubts will come, but I get that sometimes I just need to go forward in truth.
So, I confess that I have lied. I have always known you are sovereign; help me to overcome my lack of surrender. I have always been grateful; help me overcome my times of complaint. Also, help me be reminded of all you have provided, and miracles that you have performed. Help me to be a conduit of your compassion to the broken and hurting. I really do want your will to be done in my life and on earth as it is in Heaven. Move me aside daily and show your power.
Overall, sorry about the lies. I will try to do better. Thanks for the talk. Love you…seriously I do.
Your Willing Servant